Pizza Self-Preservation or Sliceadelic

Ever just go in for a bite of pizza and totally miss? How embarrassing is that? Your closest friends and family are likely to shun you after pulling such a stunt. Surely you can’t expect their full attention after exhibiting an absolute lack of survival instinct. What happened to all the years you spent developing sufficient motor skills? Well, don’t worry, it may not necessarily be your fault.

Recent science shows that slices of pizza, usually those left out overnight, begin to develop varying levels of defense against their predators. The most common of these is a mild psychoactive effect targeted towards potential threats. The slice will emit small, harmless spores with just enough toxicity to confuse and disorient human opposition. This defensive skill is combined with a second, mind-erasing attack to keep their predators aloof throughout the incident. Unfortunately this 1-2 combo doesn’t buy each individual slice much time before a second attack is attempted. However, the extra five to ten seconds gained from a missed bite amounts to over three years in pizza time, so not all is lost on the cheesy front.

Always be sure to inspect leftover pizza thoroughly to avoid becoming a victim of a greasy gaffe.