Ten Minutes: Gold Toe

I’ve always had gross feet. Or maybe feet are just gross in general. Either way, I’ve stumbled into a solution. After being dragged along to a pedicure party, I was prepared to play my role and sit in the corner until everyone was finished. Apparently that wasn’t allowed. I was quickly ushered into a vibrating lounge chair and asked to go barefoot. Not what I was expecting, but the beautician seemed unfazed by my excuses. As I peeled my socks off, I was asked which color nail polish I preferred. This is a ridiculous question in hindsight, as it was obviously my first time, but at any rate, the stakes had been raised.

“Go for it!” the rest of the group cried. “It’ll be funny,” they insisted, my wife’s cheers among the most audible. The people wanted a color, so I gave them one. Gold sparkle. A color that, as I was told, is extremely popular with girls under the age of fifteen. And the Gods, I would assume. Just what I was looking for. After hacking away at my hooves and making them borderline presentable, the gilded flakes were applied. My toes never looked better – like ten crowned kings. That was over a year ago, and I’ve been giving them a championship shine ever since. Now, nobody mentions the gross feet because the gold toes are a much bigger mental obstacle. A classic distraction. As a bonus, my wife hates them and I haven’t been invited back to another pedicure party.